My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
You Might Also Like
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.