If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
<- sleeps well with others
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)