I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
You Might Also Like
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
the icebreaker
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[eats all your cotton candy]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!