Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”