Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since