[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
pelicons
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight