I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
channeling her this year
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.