I got soap in my shower beer again.
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Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?