I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union