This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
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:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
This joke is 7 years old
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?