The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS