Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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“you changed” bro i was 15
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”