A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Anime is real
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.