You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I’m not wrong
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.