ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
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If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Called it
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.