“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
wow
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.