Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics