[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh