My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Best spoiler warning ever
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.