A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
💯😂