Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.