My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane