My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
12653.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me