What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Tremendous stuff
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Lmbo
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt