For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Challenge accepted.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.