People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
You Might Also Like
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Brb my Sims are getting married
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!