*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Childbirth is so beautiful
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.