When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭