Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Everyone’s family
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
#Caturday
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha