Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
[adds another nod to the conversation]
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The news in a nutshell.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
R.I.P.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed