I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
You Might Also Like
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If only
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong