[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?