The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.