“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
You Might Also Like
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
🤣🤣🤣
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone