I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
#Caturday
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.