“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.