I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
🔦🌙👣
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Every. Damn. Time.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…