[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You Might Also Like
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*