My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
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they should invent a type of situation that improves.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
A roof is a house hat.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Stonehinge
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Möther may I have a snäck
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table