Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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me working on my assignments ^-^
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise