Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”