My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Gods work.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*