The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Lmao
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime