The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
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OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I have a black belt in leather
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women