director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?