My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
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Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
me: my friends:
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too