I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house