Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
congratulations to them
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem