I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Mmmm. Shoeshi
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.