“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
You Might Also Like
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.